Beware of Reindeers (Achtung, Achtung !!!)

Here's a Christmas Story to warm the cockles of your backside.

After following She Who Must Be Obeyed's orders and setting up some Christmas lights on the roof, I decided it was time to move the reindeer from the front yard to a place with a view. Said reindeer was very happy with his new view on the roof. Then about 2 days later after arriving home in the rain, Mistress of the House, tells me that I'd better get up on the roof and get the reindeer down, as it looks like the wind might blow it into the neighbours window. So wearily I staggers up onto the roof, being carefull in my bare feet not to slip - stepping like Santa on Christmas night. I find myself at the top of the roof and only have to go another 6 or 7 feet, when holy Sugar Honey Ice Tea, I'm on my ass and sliding fast. My ass hits every bolt on the way down and then my feet land in the gutter. I just manage to hold my balance and stop myself from crashing down on my head. My ass is torn, my hands are cut and the reindeers bloody fine. So I grab a few extra lights and shove them up his proverbial and hang the rest over his eyes. Not to be outdone, the roof looks back at me, still wet and treacherous. So I try to climb but I can't, I just keep slipping back. Meanwhile, cars keep coming past and I thank god that most of them are tourists and try hard to look dignified. Anyway I rip off my shirt dry the roof, scaddaddle up and over and make my way down. My True Love asks me if I'm ok and I wimper 'I don't think so'.

I clean myself up and limp in for dinner. When I got home, all I wanted was a bath - so much for wishfull thinking ! Said Beloved can tell that I'm hurting and offers me a frozen sausage to sit on. But having torn my self a new pucker string, there's no way I'm gonna stick a frozen sausage up where the sun don't shine. I settle for a bag of frozen peas instead.

For 3 weeks, she stares at my gaping wound, dabbing ointment and bandaging my buttocks. She tells me that I should have had stitches but my dignity just doesn't extend to being the laughing stock of doctors. My feet tingled for a few days and passing wind came with thorns. But I'm all mended now and much the wiser. The reindeer is still up there and the bloody bastard can stay till winter for all I care. At least I lived to tell the tale. The reindeer's headed for the scrap heap !